all the more i will wait.
it is for my destiny and calling.
it is for my future children.
it is for my generation.
filtering
time and again, from personal and others’ experiences, i have been reminded to filter out the people (and the things) who i allow to speak into my life. and i am reminded about it now. i could not begin to stress the importance of choosing the people who i listen to (and even communicate with - harsh as it may seem). it saves (will save) me from a lot of junk and a lot of confusion that i would get if i listened just to anybody. people talking with good intentions do not necessarily mean that what they say come from God.
i am a veerry friendly person and it is one of the things that i am still overcoming. but i am learning that i dont need a lot of people to make me feel loved and accepted. thank you Jesus for the key people youve placed in my life.
no turning back.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
kiss from a babushka
yesterday, i was talking about that old woman begging quietly in the metro. i saw her this morning and i gave her 150 roubles. while i was struggling to tell her Isusa lyublu tebya (Jesus loves you), she kissed me on the cheek because she was so happy i gave her money!
I was embarrassed because of two things: first, i just gave her what is spare change for me when i couldve given more. her reaction totally surprised me. second, that metro was a really really busy commuter place and many many people saw when she was thanking me profusely and when she kissed me on the cheek! (well, not that i care, nobody knows me anyway). 
not like any other wednesday
well,today is actually just any other wednesday. my work is still stressful. old clients keep coming back like the ghost of the christmas past, new problems keep arising in my present project, my emotions was seesawing from fulfillment to anger every two hours, my prized staff is resigning and managers still keep demanding things like doing such would be as easy as popping a zit. and so on and so forth. one word - ssstrryyeesss!
then why did i call my entry today “unlike any other wednesday”? well, the difference between this wednesday and all the other wednesdays ive had here is HOPE. i was awakened today by God and He has endued me with this crazy thing called hope. hope that He loves me. hope that He is true to His Word.
life without hope must be pretty horrifying. ive been through trying days when i felt like the whole world has crashed on me and i felt like heaven was brass. but the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness was temporary because there was grace. grace which makes you go the extra mile when you no longer have the fuel to take another step.
there are too many people roaming on this earth who feel totally hopeless and helpless. although i am 100% totally for revival and transformation, i just thought that i would start sharing my hope to - that old woman standing quietly in the metro morning by morning, wistfully wishing that some commuter will give her enough money for food; and to my officemates who feel that they are in a dead-end job in a dead-end company and that there is no such thing as actually doing what one really desires in life.
i think, before i go to africa and participate in events that will bring people to Jesus, i should start somewhere. 
from elijahlist
There are times during the birth of your destiny that you feel as though you would like to give up hope, but God will not let you. It feels as though you are held captive by hope.
“Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope…” Zechariah 9:12
There are times during the development of your dream when your hope seems to have turned into a prison. You cannot make your dreams come true, and you find it impossible to stop believing in them. You cannot go forward any faster than God will let you, and you cannot return to where you once were before you became pregnant with the promise from God. God will not let you give up! During this time you might feel like saying, “Okay, God, this is enough! I don’t want to hope anymore! I am tired of being pregnant with this promise! I want out of this prison of hope!”
It is during this time that your dreams feel so real to you, yet to others they are not. The conflict between what you feel in the Spirit and what is evident in the natural grates at your soul. You feel much like you are on a Ferris wheel. You have your up times when you can see your dream’s fulfillment far into the future, but you also have your down time when you cannot see anything. You think to yourself, “Am I crazy to think that God could use me?” The enemy comes in like a flood and you begin to doubt, causing anguish to your soul. This is the time when God is doing His greatest work in you.
It is Because He Loves You
You feel as though you are ready for your destiny, but once again God directs you back to the refinery for more tweaking. Oh how weary you are of the awful refinery and that seemingly endless tweaking. “Okay, God, You can stop now,” you scream. But He does not stop. You are caught in a prison of hope and He will not let you out until He is finished with what He began in you.
It is like a child who has a sliver. They do not like the pain the sliver causes them, but they hate the misery of having that sliver taken out. Getting the sliver out is important, but they do not necessarily understand that. Even if they did, it is hard to keep still while it is being pulled out. Well, we all have spiritual slivers that we need God to take out, and sometimes it really hurts, especially when the sliver is way down deep in your heart.
This is when the refining process REALLY hurts, because He is getting down to the very core of your soul, to the deep regions of your heart. He is developing things in you that you did not even know that you lacked; things you did not even know that you needed. You think, “Okay, God, this is deep enough.” But every builder knows you must dig down deep to lay a proper foundation first, before you start to build upward. And the greater the height of the structure, the deeper the foundation must be.
It is because God loves us that He will not allow us to enter our destiny until our foundation is secure. If He has held you back and you feel like a prisoner, He has done it out of love for you. He does not want to see all that He has worked to build in you crumble, because He did not take the time to develop a sure foundation. He loves you that much!
Even though it hurts you, He needs to hold you in the prison cell of hope until it is safe for you to come out. Even though you are sick and tired of hoping, of believing, of waiting; He will still make you hope, believe and wait even longer. And this can be the hardest thing He has asked you to do yet. But when you feel like giving up, but continue to carry on, you begin to sense a strength rising in you that you did not know you possessed. And really you did not possess it previously, because it was your reward for enduring this painful process. It is a gift from God that the enemy cannot take away from you, because you have earned it.
Held Captive by Hope
In the word of God we can find many people who have been held captive by hope. For examples, there are Moses, Joseph, and Abraham. But I think my favorite is David. It is his honesty in the face of misery that attracts me to him.
God had promised David the Kingdom of Israel, and Samuel had anointed him for it (1 Samuel 16:13). But after he had been anointed as king of all Israel he had to go back to tending the sheep. It was many years before the promise ever came to pass for David, and he spent many of those years being chased by the man whose throne he would inherit. I am sure he never dreamed, back in the pasture on his father’s farm, that he would have to hide out in caves or that he would pretend to be a crazy man in order to save his life. After all, God said he was going to be a king. A king does not have to do things like that does he?
In Psalm 119:82, David cries out to God in song and says, “My eyes fail, looking for Your promise.” I can relate to that. It feels sometimes as though the promise will never be fulfilled. But in fact, it was fulfilled for David and it will be for you too, if you do not give up.
Hopeless, No. Helpless, Yes!
Do you feel sometimes as though you are hopeless? Well, you are not without hope; you are not hopeless, but helpless. God has put you in a position of helplessness or complete dependency on Him and you are helpless to help yourself. You struggle to gain back some measure of control over your life. But your pride (that you did not even know that you had) is being crushed, and the only thing for you to do is to surrender. You may feel hopeless, but really it is the condition of helplessness that is causing you pain. God wants you completely dependent on Him, and He will keep you a prisoner of hope until you are.
Return to Your Fortress
Your fortress is trusting in a loving God. Trusting Him in spite of all the reasoning of your mind; in spite of the circumstances that surround you. You were content to give God control of your life until He decided to do something with your life you did not like. You were happy to surrender all to Him, until He decided to give your promotion to someone else. You believe in His sovereignty, until His sovereign will conflicts with your will. Then you are sure He has made a mistake. You want to run from Him, but He is your refuge.
How do you run from your refuge? How do you run from the only One who really loves you or understands you? The answer is…you don’t. So, return, my friend, to your fortress and remain a prisoner until He is done with you; until He decides you are ready for all that He has for you.
What now feels like a prison cell to you, God sees as a fortress. And of course He is right. He loves you and if you give Him control of your life He will guard it for you. Perhaps what feels to you like a prison cell, may really be your place of safety and protection. David did not like being in a cave, but it saved him from King Saul. You may not like the circumstances you are in now, but do not run from it. It may be what is saving your life!
Double for Your Trouble
The second half of Zechariah 9:12 gives us the answer we are looking for. Why are we going through what we are going through? It says, “Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you.”
God says, “Even now I announce to you that not only will I restore to you all that has been taken from you, but I will give you double for all the trouble you have endured.” He says, “Don’t stop now…keep trusting Me, because I can see your future and it is very blessed. Keep walking with Me and keep trusting in Me and I will give you rest.”
“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). When we have learned to “rest” in God in the midst of our storm, God is mightily blessed. Because it proves to Him that we trust in His goodness no matter what our circumstances are.
It pleases Him very much when we trust in Him, and when He is pleased He will burst forth blessings from Heaven. He just cannot help Himself, He loves to bless those who trust in His goodness.
He, as He did for Israel in Zechariah 9:12, will stand up and announce to all that He is proud of you and intends to restore double to you for your continued trust in Him through all you have endured. And this is the beginning of your dreams coming true. Enjoy it, friend, because you have waded through the river of adversity and your heavenly Father is proud of you.
Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope…
d-day
aha. i just want this documented. this is the day i got it.
updates
hmm. i am such a lazy blogger. the last time i wrote in here was like centuries ago! :-p well, i have been horribly busy at work and all the things that happened to me during those months, id rather not blog about. best to leave them in my memory.
well, im back now. actually, im blogging out of boredom. i dont want to go out and watch the victory parade at the red square because its too cold. i dont want to eat because i ate too much earlier. i dont want to sleep because i took a nap earlier. and i dont want to read or watch a movie online either. i dont have anything left to do but just write down the excited thoughts running through my mind while im being absolutely physically indolent.
hmm. nothing much is new actually. im still horribly stressed and busy at work but there are some breakthroughs im sensing in my spirit. about to burst forth in the natural. it came like spring. haha. actually, as much as i want to announce the breakthroughs to the world already, (because they are already as real to me as breathing. haha.) id rather wait and let them come to pass first. i am totally excited. thank God for another season! woohoo!
she
Is being a real woman equivalent to just getting married and having kids? Is it about supporting the husband from backstage? Is it only confined to running a household and keeping it clean? Is it just learning how to sew and cook? Is it just about making the family happy?
I dont know what the essence of being a woman is. I am still a girl, I just realized.
Proverbs 31.
date
He wants a date. okay, when? :p
fixed.
When. oh when will this end? 
My eyes are steadily fixed. but they are failing.
Dad. help.
This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength…”
Isaiah 30:15
beautiful saturday
today was a beautiful day. the sun actually set at around 630pm. spring has surely started! i went out today to look for the church i was supposedly going to. i had an adventure and it was really good because i never got lost and all my guesses were correct. i have a wonderful navigator. thank you Holy Spirit!
anyways, i didnt actually find it because i didnt bring a map and i didnt write down what bldg number the church was. but now i know what bldg it was. my best friend the navigator surely showed the exact place. and i confirmed that when i got home and saw the exact address thru the internet. trust me i have the best navigator!
well, making the most out of the saturday out, i roamed around arbat ulitsa before going home. it was nice to be out again. goodness, i just realized that its been a long, looooong time since ive been out on a weekend. i think ive never been out on saturdays and sundays since august! goodness! ive just been hibernating in my flat. no wonder i was getting fat and miserable! haha. anyways, back to my story. i found out that there is actually a starbucks coffee shop here! hmm. i miss having live friends. hehe.
when i got back to my metro, i went to the nearby mall and bought some liquid foundation. again, i have the best navigator AND consultant. i didnt try on the make-up coz there were no testers but i surely got the right color (i tested it when i got home).
i also did some grocery shopping. and guess what?!! i found PATIS!!! yay! well, its actully thai fish sauce. but fish sauce is still fish sauce no matter what country it was made in. so i bought it. heheh. and i bought some chicken.
i am really not a good cook i was supposed to just fry some chicken. and [dont laugh!] it got burned. goodness. it was just prito and it surely did not cook well. i dont even know if i got chicken parts because while i was cooking them, some scary white bones were showing in the breast parts. either i actually dont know what it is (if its chicken or some other feathery animal) or russians just cut their chicken in weird ways. well. as i said, it didnt go out well. now i have 5 uncooked chicken pieces in my fridge and i dont know what to do with them. im scared of cooking again! i better come up with a good chicken meal the next time. huhu.
im excited for tomorrow. im actually going to church, after 8 months of not attending any fellowship. im not actually going to that church i researched earlier. hehe. because im going to try this AG church first in the sportivnaya metro. i am excited. i hope i wake up early! hehehe.
blog maintenance
i have decided to blog again. ive been blogging on and off in this account since late last year and its high time that i continue writing here. ive cleaned up previous entries because i felt that ive only posted those for the sake of posting something. so i erased all my other blogs, and from now on. here is where i will write.
so welcome me back!
down memory lane
funny. hahah. i used to keep a livejournal blog 5 years ago. well, not really. i only wrote 5 entries there so it wasnt much. but looking at the entries i wrote there, i cant help but laugh. i wrote in the previous entry that i dont miss home at all and all that jazz. pero in my livejournal blog, i just kept writing na i miss home, i miss my family, i miss cebu etc. hahahaha..
i have changed a lot in those 5 years. thank you Lord for not quitting on me.
the thunderbolt
it is just amazing and at the same time (in my case) amusing when Daddy just jolts us with His thunderbolts. the past few months ive been down trouble road, listening to everything and everyone except to Him. and this week, i was really about to make the biggest mistakes of my life and then baam. the thunderbolt.
it came at 5am last wednesday. i was awakened by my phone ringing at 5 in the morning and i received the most excruciating 5 minute 10 decibel rebuke of my life. and that is without me responding to anything at all. hahaha. could you just imagine the ultimate shock i (my mind, soul and spirit) received in that span of time? i mean, i just woke up and all my defences were down. i didnt even have any time to react or be angry coz all that was said pierced right through. i was shot in the heart! it was really the Lord.
it was a literal suddenly and He really jolted me back to my senses. it was like i had to make a choice right then and there. go on or burn bridges. i am reminded of those people, who after a preaching of salvation, suddenly see hell opened and come rushing to the altar in repentance. after that call, i was like staring into space for 30 minutes just trying to internalize all that i heard. and i was down on my knees repenting. thunderbolts. thank God for them! i hope, by GRACE, that i wont have much of them thunderbolts in the future.
