places..
1.Moscow (again)
2.Brazil
3.Kenya
4.Senegal
5.Peru
6.Switzerland
7. Sweden
8. Thailand
9.Nepal
10.India
11.New York
12.Washington DC
13.Nicaragua
14.Cyprus
15.London (again)
16.France
17.Japan
18.China
19. Johannesburg
20.Israel
21.Georgia
22.Vietnam
23.Korea
24.Albania
25.Sydney
someday….
theres this place that i used to love so much. i have always dreamed of staying there, living there. and when i do get the chance to go, oh i used to be sooo excited everytime.
but now, it seems like pulling teeth. i have had an unpleasant experience there. and i just couldnt shake off the feelings of fear and unease. even though the experience has been closed off and everythings fine, i just cant help but feel uneasy. like some sort of dread. something that i have to get over and done with.
so unlike before, where i would certainly leave everything behind just to stay there.
this place is attached to my system. it is a part of me i cannot deny. wherever i will go and whoever i will be, i carry this place with me. its people, its culture, its destiny. i may even actually live there eventually, who knows.
i hope i overcome this. because its messing me up now. its scaring the hell out of me!
I know it’s a bit late. 1 week late to blog about fathers’ day. I was too busy last week to even dream about surfing the net! Oh well.. the event is already over and my boss treated us all with a one week vacation leave for all the blood, sweat and tears we poured out on the event. It was an amazing week. I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Anyway, I was doing my usual blog reading today and a fathers’ day entry of one of my favorite bloggers caught my eye. She enumerated 5 things she learnt from her father. I know its too late but I want to do that.
The 5 things I learned (and still learning) from Dad.
These are the 5 things I can think of at the top of my head. I guess these are whats real in my life right now.
God, thank you for being a father to me. You indeed are good.
i am at a good place right now. well, this is a thought for tonight. who knows what will happen tomorrow. but i know for sure, despite the roller coaster that is called life, what will happen will still be exciting – in all its good times and bad.
i am soooo busy at work right now. doing 10 things at a time. working 13 hours straight for an event next week. but i am happy. i love my bosses, the people i work with and the job im doing. i am in a place where i am appreciated for good things i do and am corrected when i make mistakes (oh a lot). in this job, i have learned to cope with and give way to mistakes. theres no pressure to be perfect. work will always be beyond my control and im starting to live with that. again, there is no pressure to be perfect or in control!
i have my camera and im toying with the idea of violin lessons next month. i have accepted that i am going to stay in manila for how long, i dont know. i am at peace with people, although relationships are a bit new to me. believe it or not. i still cant stand it when people dont like me or are offended with me. i have little tolerance for fights and offenses. but Jesus is good. and i’ve learned little about commitments already. hehe. not to quit on them.
i was skyping with this friend earlier and she dreamt about her and i getting backstage passes to a parokya ni edgar concert. hahaha. i was about to buy tickets when this stern looking woman took us backstage. we were wondering if theres a “meaning” to the dream. i thought, if its from God, then that is cool! it would be great to be able to see all the backstage work that makes a show work. and it would be cool to meet the band upclose and personal you know. haha.
hmm.. what is next? i dont know. but i know that it will be good. i really believe that the best is yet to come.
i received the best birthday gift this year. a promise of good, scratch that, GREAT things to come this year! 
aside from the abounding financial breakthrough we (my family included) are receiving, i received reconciliation with two persons who i was so estranged with over the past few months!!!
the Lord is truly merciful and is, indeed, always in control. the past few months have been really trying and felt hopeless. felt like heaven was brass. BUT there is ALWAYS a silver lining. there is ALWAYS a rainbow after a storm (so cheesy yes i know. haha). IT IS ALWAYS GOOD TO TRUST IN THE LORD. i have learned a lot about relationships (i hope). that one does not leave a relationship when the going gets really tough. when the anger is just too much. commitment is not a feeling. it is a never-ending covenant. well, i hope to learn more about relationships. coz i do suck at it. haha..
aaah. thank you Lord that you do not give up on me when i wanted to give up on you! i am so grateful and thankful for the year that has passed. and am looking forward to the great things this year!!! woo hoo!
truth is painful but when the rose-colored glasses just couldn’t hide the garbage anymore, truth will prevail and will actually love you in the end.
love without truth just wont do.
i have failed. i really do.
i dont even know what this is all about. i think.
i tried to be angry at you and i tried to be angry at everyone.
and it built a shell around me.
relating with anyone is just too much of an exhausting effort.
and i got back to getting angry at me. and darkness just descended.
i cant see. i cant breathe. im not living.
all i see is an empty shell. a shell of who i am, who i used to be.
or was the person i used to be just a lie?
the sounds that come out are just echoes.
does not resound from within.
i am stuck. i have failed. i am tired. and i need your help.
Credits: my friend, Riza O.
=0=0=0=0=0=0=
You were watching me from around the corner
as I cluelessly peeked into the box wrapped in blue and silver
You sent me a gift with someone else’s name on it
Is this a favor your are getting paid for?
You drive me crazy
You love me more than anyone
but now are you are giving me away?
A smile flashes from my eyes
and you are actually pleased
that I was looking into someone else’s
You walk behind me
hiding in the sidelines
pretending to be a stranger
just to watch me look around for someone
you could have embraced me
as i twirled in pure excitement
but you stepped aside
And out of the corner of my eye
I see you beaming
from the shady corner
uncovering the face of your very protege
Whose hand is this, holding mine?
you seem to have taught him your ways of holding
Your hand that had once held me tight
now gracefully lets go
The gap we have called waiting
You’ve sucked away
into your blissful satisfaction
Whose hand is this I’m holding?
It reminds me of yours
Yours that once held me so tight
but now found enough confidence
to let go
in 6 days, i will be turning 27. i remember before i turned 26, i wrote a somewhat melodramatic reflection on the years and the experiences ive been through. well, i think i should do one now.
hmm.. i noticed that every year, every birthday is totally different.let me look back as far as i can remember…
who wouldve thought that i would be back here in manila when last year, i was walking through moscow spring. i remember i spent a whole weekend on my birthday.with chris, zhenia, swan lake, sasha, tanya, giorgio and vladimir (my birthday gift).
the year before that,2007, i think i hibernated because i was getting ready to go to moscow.
in 2006, i was with hyen, jessi, pabs, zaldy and lhen in red box singing our hearts out in karaoke wonderland. ooh i remember nippon express. i spent the first 5 hours of my birthday printing those CTA reports! it was totally fun! the golden years of my audit life…
in 2005, i think i spent it with my family and friends. i was working in IBM that time. for a one month stint. haha.
in 2004, i was in manila. living with punky and alyssa. one of those dismal birthdays because i worked in Etelecare that time. in trying to find myself, i jumped from accounting to sales. and didnt like it. boo.
in 2003, yikes. i was reviewing for the CPA board exams. i most probably spent the day with my family. and the years before that, i know there wasnt any big celebration because my birthday is in the enrollment week. 
everyone’s money was spent on tuition fees!
hmmm. not much spectacular times actually. except for those times spent with memorable people, most were uneventful.. so whats going to be new this year? well, first i have a totally different job. something i really like doing. im getting a new camera, a 500D. im too excited. and im seriously going to start on violin lessons when i figure out my schedule. and uhm, im getting in the gym thats for sure. haha!
and yeah, i think im beginning to have an inkling on how to love now. what through thick and thin and for better or worse mean. i think? im beginning to have an idea what commitment is, you know, when the feelings are gone, when the pain sometimes blind the decisions ive made.
im beginning to understand that I REALLY DONT KNOW ANYTHING. that i dont need to know whats happening. im beginning to know that GOD WILL DO WHAT GOD WILL DO. and i can only begin to know him on his own terms. He truly is bigger than me. bigger than my intellect would ever be. although there are frustrating and aggravating moments with him, i found out that i could and still do trust him. this is relationship.
“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”
this im sure. thank you Lord for the 26 years.
i am totally getting fidgety. waiting for the contact to send me an email confirmation. when oh when??? if only he gave me a definite date when he will transfer the funds then i wouldnt be this antsy. hahaha. i really hope nothing will go wrong.
i think ive refreshed my mailbox 150 times today, until now hoping for a new message. mygosh everything is ready. LORD, please let it be soon… let it ber very very soon. maybe a birthday gift?? hehe..
and here i am, a brat. good thing i have a father who loves me and is more committed to me than i am to him. after the tantrums i did last night, this is what he rewards me with. one things for sure: its not about deserving!
im kinda excited. martin just got back to me last night and told me they will look into the matter today. oh i really want to receive it… i already have a lot planned when i do get it. this is what i plan to do…
(32,430) – TO
(80,000) – seed money
(10,000) – LO
(30,000) – deposit payment
(6,000) – violin
(52,950) – canon eos 500D
SIGH. the 500D is already out! I want one.. im asking this for my birthday…. i really want it but i really really really cant afford it right now. i dont even have much expendable income until august! and if i do save up for it, it will take me until mid next year, with my bills and all. will you give me this on my birthday? will you even give this to me? i really dont know what youre thinking but i hope you would… i miss miss MISS my camera so much.. i ache for it!
Here i am, trying to convince myself that i will not get this because i dont want to be so eager and in the end, be disappointed. i dont want to be angry with you because i did this, not you. oh mercy on me.
what is so addictive about hope that makes us, again and again, take the plunge in believing even if in the end, it would result in good or bad? are we sadists? or is our definition of good really different? its because we were made to hope. its part of our dna.
sometimes, it just hurts to trust you because it hurts to be hurt and disappointed. so this is love. to experience great joy and great pain without giving up when the going gets tough.
i choose to believe that you are good and that you know what is good for me. with or without this.
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o==o=
we were having a meeting and my mind was elsewhere. my mind was on the thoughts i wrote above. i am not really feeling the brunt of the june event on me coz kuya G took most of it. i think i only contribute about 2% of everything.. i think i need to help more. they’re almost panicking!
when i woke up this morning, i felt my heart skip. and as i work now, i cant help but smile. i dont know why. somethings new today. i am in love 
and im glad. thank you Lord for the joy.
i received an email from zhenia this morning and im really happy that she replied. a good old friend. oh how i miss her! she mentioned her car which she bought before i left. it was funny because the only two times she used it, she got bumped and scratched! ooh, moscow drivers are the worst. they all have schumacher tendencies. haha!
another highlight this morning was when i went to finance and the grumpy old guy asked me if i knew i was beautiful. i giggled but didnt answer coz i thought he was just pulling my leg. he actually repeated his question. he says in a loud voice “do you know that you are beautiful? do you really know?” and i laughingly said, “yes thank you”. and he goes “i bet youd be more beautiful when you slim down. you can join the ms. philippines!!” hahahahaha!! i feel flattered because this guy is totally grumpy and he actually gave me a compliment! surely made my already happy morning a complete one. hahaha! and my atkins diet is doing okay as well, no killer cravings and im learning to be patient with the results, no more of the quick fix yoyo dieting. im going for discipline this time.
i read song of songs today. i think about my lover. the one whos not giving up on me, no matter what. i think about him and my heart fills with love and gratitude. i think im starting to know, even just a miniscule bit, what a relationship is.
sometimes, i dont understand you at all. so many conflicting stuff. im stuck. or maybe im just hearing everyone else thats why i get confused. sad thing, i have some friends who chose to give up on you. ive done that before and i know it didnt really bring me anything good. i know. and i so know this feeling of wanting to rebel and wanting to try everything because i feel held back or because nobody cares. ive been here before. ive done this before. everything in me is saying go but some spark of hope or conscience is saying no, hang in there. dont give up.
now, i choose not to give in not because im scared of you or the consequences (well, partly.. maybe 15%. hehe) but because it is a CHOICE. i choose to believe that something beautiful will come out of these ashes. that something beautiful will come out of this sucky stuff, these dark and masalimuot times. even as i am typing this down right now, my mind is not believing with me. but i know in some part of my heart that there is more to this. i will come out of this alive.
i know that what we have been through together in moscow is real. it is more real to me than whats happening now. i cannot discount that. and on that virtue, i choose to believe that you are good and that you are in control. i choose to believe that you are greater than what im going through. i choose to believe that you do care for me. i choose to believe that you have not forgotten me. i choose to believe you, even when i cant understand you.
i love you. i choose to love you.
I miss him. I don’t really like him that much right now. Its just that I miss the thought of missing and liking. Reliving those small memories. Snatches of moments. And dwelling on what ifs. Or im just really bored. Because I know deep inside me that hes not really the one.
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
I just watched revolutionary road and I cried. Lord, I don’t want the dreams to die. I don’t want to cover them up with soot and dust, never to be revived again. I don’t want the ordinariness of everyday life to bury what’s inside. I don’t want to settle for just the ordinary, I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. NO! This phase might be hard, but I will not give up.
SLOWLY BUT SURELY.
=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=
Another sunny sunny saturday and im here stuck in the house, with nowhere to go and no one to go with. I want to go out somewhere peaceful and sunny. i have had enough of this concrete jungle. and i will scream if i will have to go to another mall today! 
hmmm its friday 4pm right now. everyone’s watching some movie at another room and i am stalling time before i start on some work. i have nothing in mind right now actually. i want to go home coz im getting my hair curled, i decided. im just happy its the weekend!
ahh.. i woke up bored this morning. i was telling God how bored i am right now. don’t get me wrong, i like my job and my bosses and i believe in the organization’s cause and i know this is where im supposed to be right now, no doubt about that. thats why i dont know why im so bored. i need some passion. lately, i feel like ive run out of “juice” for anything or anyone. no interests, no desires at all. in short, listless. ive somehow managed to lose my joie de vivre like a popped balloon. thats why im becoming the mood swinging drama queen these days. i need my passion back. i need my joy back!! coz i dont want to be a spectator anymore, i wanna be involved moment by moment! Lord, i ask for that joy and the passion! i need them!
We travel, then, in search of both self and anonymity — and, of course, in finding the one we apprehend the other. Abroad, we are wonderfully free of caste and job and standing; we are, as Hazlitt puts it, just the “gentlemen in the parlour,” and people cannot put a name or tag to us. And precisely because we are clarified in this way, and freed of inessential labels, we have the opportunity to come into contact with more essential parts of ourselves (which may begin to explain why we may feel most alive when far from home).
Abroad is the place where we stay up late, follow impulse and find ourselves as wide open as when we are in love. We live without a past or future, for a moment at least, and are ourselves up for grabs and open to interpretation. We even may become mysterious — to others, at first, and sometimes to ourselves — and, as no less a dignitary than Oliver Cromwell once noted, “A man never goes so far as when he doesn’t know where he is going.”
goodbye my dream
this game of hide and seek must end
for i have not found you
and i think i have lost me
and yet still you haunt me
visiting me with visions
leaving me longing
i cannot let you go
for without you i sleep too deep
and only in my dreams
am i wide awake
- Nolan Clark
some neighbor has wifi somewhere and i get to use it for free! and it is quite fast, i just have to find out where it is. hehe. my sister discovered it yesterday.
just like in moscow. had free wifi the whole time. it was my only constant companion there. haha. i didnt have tv and didnt have a super super social life but i never felt lonely or bored partly because of the free wifi.
i wonder why is it now that im here, in the midst of family, friends and familiar surroundings, am i feeling lonely?
i cant believe someone unfriended me! (well, on FB. hehe.). no big deal coz we’re not really close. although for a time, we shared thoughts with each other. tried adding that person back and got rejected again. uhm, i hope i didn’t hurt you so much to warrant such action? oh well.
scratch head.
oh where are you, dear? been waiting for you so long now. i choose to wait for you. and say no to these lesser lovers.
i really appreciate your advice my friend im sure it came from your good-intentioned heart.
but there are just times that i just want you to listen and please… dont give me stuff.
its not that i dont know those things, it just doesnt work right now!
i dont want to strive, i want to be real.
so, could you just wait and stick with me until it becomes a revelation to me? please?
Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (”This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)
Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”
i still got it. despite all the issues ive been going through this season, i still got it. i still got HOPE. because i never lost it. i was in the daily devotions earlier and some colleagues were talking about how bleak the situation of humanity these days is and how it will worsen in the generations to come and the only time everything will be okay is when we go to heaven. and that everything we do, even the ministry of world vision, will not amount to anything much because humanity is hopeless.
hala ka. and we were all christians. i spoke up because there is hope in Jesus. i still believe that a nation can be born in a day and that future generations can and will live in redemption, prosperity, righteousness and there will be JUSTICE. we should not lose hope. as long as there is Jesus, there is always hope.
does it really matter when the people you want to accept you just don’t plainly think you’re part of their lives.
does it really matter when everyone is doing everything they are doing and going and shining while you are here, staying and staying put.
does it really matter when the very dream that you have always wanted to happen would not seem to happen (never or not any sooner) and it seems to be happening to the very people who don’t really care.
does it really matter that you are supposed to be in the very center of where you are supposed to be and inside, you are not feeling such security.
does it really matter Lord? does it really matter?
why are all these things happening Lord, why? does it really matter?
1. a violin
2. a canon eos 500 D (or a 450D will do) with an EF18-200
3. a mazda 3 (pearl white)
4. a new bed
5. a new closet
6. gym membership (hehe. high time for me to shape up. hihi)
7. a damier speedy 30
8. a globe (not the plastic one, preferably the one in hobbes and landes) or a map (or that cool puzzle map i could eventually frame)
9. a big bean bag
10. more paintings and art for my walls!
11. that casio baby G
(to update when inspired)
this week has been a VERY action-packed week. last wednesday, everything that could go wrong went wrong. and the seemingly easiest thing to do (like booking airtickets) has been the most frustrating! its so funny! its good to have a boss who is very patient. many people misunderstand him because he values good work (ergo a perfectionist) but hes just that, he believes in excellence. and his passion for what he does is way up there – it must be frustrating to work with mediocrity. as he told me once, “i want to help children, it drives me nuts!” i hope to have that passion one day.
funny how we’d never know where we will end up. ive been reading my previous entries when i was in moscow and it seems like those days were a long, looong time ago. i couldnt even remember how it was. but lately, ive been having some memories of moments. moments i remember of that place. of people. of the experiences. im not regretting where i am now. but i surely do miss moscow right now.
hello blog. its been a long time since i last wrote here. its been 4 months already. so much has happened. some good, some bad. mostly good though. so what has happened?
i have a job now. and its totally different from all my previous jobs. im an executive assistant in an NGO. way out there. none of my audit/accounting breeding works here. so its a total walk over water.
my mom is going thru a different season now. new people in her life. specifically, a new man in her life. and this one seems very serious. i really dont know what this will amount to but i really hope and pray that everything will turn out right.
i am back in manila. for how long, i dont know. for good, i dont know. it is a struggle for me, honestly. going back when i already am out in the world. going back to earning small when i was already earning big. being out there alone and giving it all up to live with my family, under authority and under guidance. its like going back to high school again.
actually, i refuse to believe that nothing good will come out of this season. i may be struggling now and i may not understand what im going thru. i may be plagued with fears of all sorts. i may have the urge to quit and just give it all up. but I choose to fight. I choose to stand on the rock of my salvation. because its not about me. its all about that cross.
goodbye 2008. I look back at you with so much joy and gratefulness. so much has happened. aszin so much! new places, new people, new learnings. total rehabilation of my spiritual, physical and emotional life.
and hello 2009!!! i welcome you with open arms! soooo excited with what God is doing! im coming in leaping and skipping! woo hoo!
oh my, ive been here in the PI for more than 3 months now. and ive been waiting. i can totally say that i enjoyed and am enjoying my stay here. i spent a lot of quality time with my family and friends. i have made a lot of new relationships which i really really appreciate. ive gone to a lot of places and had my wanderlust satisfied. most of all, i have learned a lot in this seemingly “unproductive” time. It is actually the time that the Holy Spirit is doing so much! I much appreciate this time of my life rather than making conquests and doing so much.
it really is good to be home.
now i sense that a new season has come. what shall it be? onto what shall i pour my heart out? im ready!
topos – the purpose attached to the place.
i have yet to know where my topos is but i am determined to know, not because i want to go out and do exploits for the Lord but because i want to know my Jesus more – and being where i should be at the right time opens up the heavens, sharpens the senses and prepares me to hear and receive more from my Father.
one thing i have learned: God is not interested in the crowns and the callings, He is more interested in our hearts. God is not interested in working servants, He is more interested in partnerships. it is not even about what God wants me to do or where i should be, its about being right with Him. it all begins with that.
im pitching my tent now. and im meeting with my God.
a new season has begun today.
i saw eagles swooping into earth, going in for the kill. they have already been strengthened, strengthened by soaring through the storms of the previous season. opportunities shall come and in a heartbeat, they will know that these are from the Lord. for their ears have been trained to listen and their hearts have been tuned through obedience. their cries are quite loud and their eyes are sharp. they are alert and they are ready to conquer.
Lord, i pray that you would open the doors that no man, no angel and no demon can close. let the floodgates be opened.
i cant see anything right now BUT i know that something is happening.
i cant hear anything right now BUT that doesnt mean that God is not speaking.
my emotions and my thoughts have all gone crazy BUT i know that what matters is what the Word says.
He is faithful and He is true. God knows what He is doing. He is perfect and He is justified in what He is doing.
…I’m ready to go
I’m standin’ here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye…
…So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go..
One day more! one day more! stepping out in faith, pressing towards the goal. leaving behind every sin and weight that tries to hinder me. it is officially the end of an era in my life and the dawn of a new one. Lord, how far will you let me go? How abandoned will you let me be?
woo hoo! 8 more days and i’m off to home. but i will not focus on that. i have 8 more days to focus on aligning myself for the next season. I decree that I will not walk in confusion in the next seven years. I decree that I will walk in clarity and in the direction that God has for my life. I will walk in the destiny God has for me. I will lay hold of it as violently as I could.
God is getting ready to release. I feel it in my spirit, He is saying “Get ready. Get ready. Get ready.” I am walking forward, stepping out in faith, not yet sure where to go BUT knowing that I have heard from the Lord and there is no doubt. I am not lost. The lighted steps are getting ready to be turned on.
I am ready. The people I will meet are ready. My inheritance, this country I will be going to, is ready. Jesus loves you. Now I saw heaven opened and behold a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in rigtheousness He judges and makes war. (Rev 19:11) Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword that with it He should strike the nations (v. 15)
“The man who can wield the power of this sword can summon to him an army more deadly than any that walks this earth. Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be.” – Lord of the Rings
Master Shi-Fu – “I said you are free to eat!”
Kung-fu Panda – “AM I?”
we know that Jesus has already done everything on the cross. He died and made everything complete. what do we do as His children? we do not live our lives quietly until His return. instead, we FIGHT. we FIGHT for His kingdom to manifest on earth, as it is in heaven. The kingdom of God is FORCEFULLY advancing and FORCEFUL men LAY HOLD of it.
Freedom is not free – it is something we always battle for. Jesus died for our freedom. now, do we not defend this freedom Jesus died for? on a personal level – we battle for our peace, we battle for our joy, we battle for our deliverance, we battle for our inheritance. on a kingdom level – we battle for Jesus’ kingdom to manifest. that we may give to Jesus the reward of His suffering.
Don’t give in to the THOUGHTS that the accuser of the brethren bombards you with every single moment. Wake up, the battleground is in the mind and the Word of God is your sword. WIELD IT.
Arise, Jesus is in you!
REST, as we know, is absolute indolence, doing absolutely nothing and thinking about nothing. come to think of it, the rest that we know doesnt really mean rest. it is just a temporary stop to some problem we have or some circumstance we dont want to face – a diversion. now, REST, in kingdom lingo, means the peace one gets after winning a WAR. the Rest that God gives is the full enjoyment and satisfaction of knowing that you have truly beaten the enemy and you have overcome.
now, what kind of rest do you want to have?
God is love, God is love. I will not fear!
God is love, God is love. Nothing is impossible!
I can scale a wall, I can move a mountain, I can slay the giants when youre on my side.
I can raise the dead, I can free the nations, I can fly!
*woo hoo. i so believe that! hahahahahahahhahahhaha.
why is time so slow when you are in a hurry? and why is it so fast when you are trying to run against it?
i honest to goodness dont want to work anymore but i have to! 
i still have one hour to work! OKAY. now, work!
Waiting in expectancy
Surrendered to your sovereignty
Im hungry for true intimacy Lord
For the things of your heart.
The Lord is indeed sovereign. I was talking to my cousin just now and wouldnt you know, he just told me na hes going to VCF!! grabe my family belongs to the Lord. and I dont have to do anything coz He is the one who is going to touch my family. its not up to me!!! I dethrone self idolatry and I enthrone you JESUS!! you are worth it! HAHAHAHA.
this afternoon, i was checking out one particular lens that i was going to buy at the end of the month. you see, im having second thoughts because its expensive (i mean just for a piece of glass) and its not really part of my priorities now. i was looking for some other lens that will somehow mollify my womanly shopping cravings (hey ive been planning to buy this since june!) but will not break my pocket too much. i then saw a higher and cheaper canon zoom and the reviews were all good. confusing na ang show when the Lord told me, “Michelle, what do you really want?” and then i went ANALYTICAL again and told Him the pros, cons and other humanistic stuff. the Lord just said again, “what do you want?” so i said okay of course i want the L lens (L for luxury) because its the top of the line! and He goes “then get it.” no drama. period. hahahaha. i know its just a lens pero it made me realize again that i should not settle for less. mind you, its NOT perfection. it just springs from the fact that God is THE awesome God and its just simply NATURAL for Him to give His children the BEST — when we ASK!
im back. just got in this morning after a 15 hour trip, i think. slept through the morning and my left eye is still red and all quasimodo-like. well at least its no longer tearing up like this morning.
anyway, i had the best 3 week vacation. Jesus is sooo good! I am terribly excited and there is an anticipation in my spirit. there is something so liberating and so refreshing in seeing the world with new eyes. freedom is exhilirating!!! thank you Jesus!!!!
JESUS is worth it. JESUS is the prize!
i will be out for a month so i will not be able to update you with whats happening. nobody really knows where i will be going i just need some rest from the maddening crowd. i hope, no, i BELIEVE that when i come back, i will be refreshed, revived and rested. and i will finally have the direction that i so need!
laters! xoxo
ive just opened my window because its stuffy and i hear some drunk man playing Blue Moon on his saxophone somewhere down below. maybe for fun. maybe for beer money.
a memory from my childhood comes into mind, me, at 8 years old, playing this piece on the piano with my grandmother. it was our favorite.
its been so many years. cant believe im already this old.
makes me wonder whats next. but i just know its gonna be good.
thats what my super cutie assistant sergey told me just a few minutes ago.
am i really really sad that it shows on my face? my eyes probably show the internal struggle ive been going through and since im the diversion queen, i am probably not acknowledging these emotions and events. i am totally tired – physically, emotionally and spiritually. i am so looking forward to my holidays.
I am a mess of sorts! i need a total overhaul!
last night marked the end of the season ive been in for almost a year now. it had been a difficult, albeit memorable, one. i almost felt like crying when my files were finally signed off at 1145pm and my last client (technically) was so thankful and full of praise for the job done. almost wanted to stay on for another year. but that will be another story. haha.
what have i learned? what have i overcome? what have i gained? what have i lost? these things, i need to contemplate over a month long hiatus, to think things over and start anew.
i am really in a vacuum these days. i really do not know what i am going to do, i dont even know where i will go. there are some things ive already decided, will be having some “reorganisation” in my life. some new things which i have not fully understood yet. i have to continue with this reorganisation and plan some portion of my life, for the short term at least. i have never been this focused and sober in my life. i am scared. and at the same time excited. i know it will be all good.
one thing is for sure though. and i know this i have gained. i know i am Loved. no matter what happens, wherever i will end up in, whoever i will end up with, i am Loved. that is all that matters.
