to the one who was and is but never will be

if i met you a year ago, we wouldve been together now. im sure.

but when i met you, all things have changed. you are just a reminder of who i was before. when i didnt know who i am and what my value is. when what i wanted in life was different.

you could change me into a pillar of salt. if i will keep looking back at you. you never will be. so i wont waste my time on whatcouldvebeens.

you are here on my mind. you leave me with bittersweet feelings i am glad to overcome slowly as my healing takes place everyday. someday, i will be rid of your memories.

but i do pray that you will meet Jesus. He is the one i chose over you.

Picture this!

This is the God I know: He sits on an amazing throne with wheels that have eyes. this throne is surrounded by dark clouds flashing with thunder and lightning and the sounds you hear are of glorious trumpets and the 4 living creatures and 24 elders, crying holy. Have you seen a rainbow? picture one with colors that come ALIVE, thats what you see when you look at him. His face and his head are as white as snow and when you look at his face, it shines like the brightest sun! his eyes are like burning coals of fire and his voice is like the sound of rushing waters! now exaggerate and animate this picture gazillion times. AWESOME!!! not boring at all, my God isnt.

heartbreak

my heart is breaking or has broken into a million little pieces again. i need you Lord. i need your healing. HELP. i cant seem to get over this guy who has done nothing to me. and it hurts me more and more and more everyday. why does it break my heart when nothing really happened? why does it break my heart so when nothing was really said? why does it hurt more and more everyday? now i admit, ive been hit. ive been hit with such lust and infatuation i just couldnt and in my deepest heart dont want to let go. thats why its hurting so much. its like grasping glass shards, gripping them more and more until blood oozes from the wounds. i have really been hurt with this lesser lover.

God, help me let go. help me to really understand that this is not it. help me to really get it that he is not the one. final.

everything seems tasteless. so useless without you. work and life are so routine until i find you again. until i see your glory again.

whew week!

what a week! totally unexpected. now i understand why the sunday before this week, God kept asking me hard questions when i woke up. i woke up and he said “are you for me or are you against me?” and stuff like “if the most delectable guy comes prancing in front of me, what would i do?”. amazing how God prepares me for things that will come my way.

i went to school this week. went on a weeklong course on project management. i fought with a guy on the first day because we have differing opinions on work and on life. that started my stress.

i think he liked me because i stood up against his ideas. it must have been a culture thing coz this guy came from a nation who fights and are kinda violent and brash. and i liked him too because he gave me the attention i wanted. the attraction (even just being in the same room) was so tangible i think everyone in class knew. but we were totally different and we totally believed in different things. i liked the attention but i hated his spirit. i will never forget the daily struggle against the emotional and spiritual harrassment i felt. it was a fight alright. a fight for what i believe in, a fight against my fleshiest flesh. if it were not for God’s mercy, i wouldve fallen already. i knew and know he is not the one.

but Jesus has won. and will keep on winning! because he is worth it and he is my victorious warrior!

i dont know what that was but on one night, after a battle won, God just said to me “today, you step into your destiny”. i receive and i take it. one thing i realized when one steps into his/her destiny, that its gonna be a fight! i see myself in a shooting range with the bullseye in front of me, i see passing dummies before me, trying to distract me from my bullseye.

Jesus it is only your grace that i can fight. i hide under the shadow of your wings. you are the one who fights for me.

i think i got to sleep. its already 3am. i just wanted to write. ramblings! signing off!

breaker

no i will not stop storming the gates of heaven until i get a breakthru. no i will not stop until revelation totally zaps my being. none of the rationalizations that try to psychologize the power of God and doesnt leave the peace that surpasses all understanding. none of that. I WILL NOT STOP!

wanderlust

i was at work earlier and i chanced upon an email with some photos with russian writing on it. and then a russian friend skyped me…doesnt help that i was collating my team’s travel plans for FY10 – of which i am not included.  not even once in the whole year to come.

sigh. i miss travelling. i miss living outside the philippines. i miss the four seasons and shopping for these seasons. i miss wearing coats. i miss spring. and the crisp coldness of winter. i miss not being able to speak or understand the local language. i miss new food. i miss new friends. sigh.

suddenly my only dream looks the farthest in coming to pass. in my mind, its okay and it really is okay to stay where i am now. i am happy where i am. but if given the chance to travel, oh i will leap at the first signal! i just miss travelling. oh the wanderlust im feeling right now. it must be what adventurers and sailors in olden days felt when they went off to discover new places. the rush of seeing new things. the excitement of the unknown.

i miss moscow. i miss riga. i miss airplanes and i miss the duty free in doha. lol. that halfway place felt surreal and i miss it.

i choose to stay here. not because i feel helpless or because i cant do anything about it. but i have seen the Lord’s goodness in my life and i am beginning to trust him. i know He knows my path more than i do. all those dreams, all those prophecies, they will come to pass – in His perfect time. and He really does know more about what i like more than i do! haha!

mind you, i am not bored. i just want to travel thats all. cant wait for the vietnam trip this november!

a conversation

Lord i am so pressured on their behalf i dont want them to leave out of burnout and i have grown fond of them! in short i dont want them to leave. who will take their place? who will continue with this work? mahadlok ko mawala sila and wala na mu-continue as good as them.

answer: if not them, someone else will rise up. did i not birth this vision? did i not put it into being?

overwhelmed by giants

i am seeing how my bosses work and the pressure it takes to make this organization run. i am seeing the brunt of the burden on their shoulders in trying to help a world full of poverty and injustice. i am seeing how its taking a toll on their health and their minds, the pressure of the world’s needs, the pressure of peers with different opinions, the pressure of making these opinions unified in running with the vision that Jesus gave us.

it is heavy. a heavy burden to carry. i am just looking in and i see it. i feel it.

and then our nation goes wild when politicians start spending the people’s money on extravagant personal whims. everyone is affected. either one becomes angry or one becomes apathetic.

where do i stand? do i blame the world for its impossibly unquenchable needs? do i blame people and politicians for being corrupt? do i blame myself for being angry or apathetic? or do i blame God for letting all these things happen?

… or do i really need to point fingers so i could have some security that there’s someone to blame why these are all happening?

i am overwhelmed. I REALLY DONT KNOW. but i choose to appeal to God for intervention. there are just some, well, A LOT of things that i do not know or begin to understand.

i appeal to you God for help in the ministry you have placed on my workplace. we are only after all just working the best way we can in the little way we know but you, you are the one who actually makes this work! i appeal to you on behalf of my nation which is crying out for justice and righteousness. you are not deaf to our cries and you are not blind to what is happening. you have placed and pieced such a generation for such a time as this. you know what is happening more than i would ever understand. and i choose to believe that you are GREATER. GREATER are you who made this world than the giants that try to oppress it.

as for me, i think i would just do what im supposed to do at this time. i am part of this generational dream – this dream God has for this generation, which only works as i continue doing my part, however small it may be. however mundane it may look like.

more musings…

i was thinking last night before i slept of all the happenings in my life this year. and all that ive been through for the past 6 months oh my. and all the question marks ive left with God and His anwers to it.

one of those questions was about a happening in my life early this year that totally caused me a lot of pain and trauma. and i was thinking of how the Lord healed me and restored me without any of my striving.

i asked the Lord why he did it and after getting used to not getting an answer regarding this, i suddenly thought (well, i dunno if its the Lord! haha!) of a character in “Hind’s feet on high places”. I remember that the character, Much-Afraid, got a seed, a very thorny seed stuck in her heart by the Shepherd. and it grew to be a very big and beautiful tree in the end. but oh the horrors of what she went through and endured to be transformed from Much-Afraid into Grace and Glory.

you see, i have been telling the Lord that i just couldnt endure another one of those experiences- as i described, as if a big roll of barbed wire was forcibly stuck in the middle of my heart. and i see now that this pain and hurt has established me where i am supposed to be. i have learned, yet again, that I AM LOVED – no matter what i am. I BELONG to Someone and to a family who accepts me. and we are bound with such a thing as covenant.

no more shall i put out all the walls i build everytime i get hurt and hurt i will experience much! because i realize i would be more protected if i lay there bleeding in front of family than covering them up, letting the decay and pus rot my insides. love can only be experienced fully when there is an admission for a need of it.

is that what identity is? im not sure but i think im starting to understand even just a miniscule bit.

UNGLUED.

thoughts running through my coffee induced system. im coming unglued today.

cant even talk straight today without stuttering. boss must be wondering why. expectations schmecpectations. i try not to expect but when i am real with myself, i know i do expect and i do expect a lot!!!!  i am disappointed. a whole lot disappointed.

1 more day and i will be facing my current deepest fear – people, a person i will see again. i dont know. i just cant handle any more pain and hurt and shame right now. i saw some stuff and my stomach got queasy. help me Lord. i really do want to overcome this. my heart is still full of the barbs from last time. heal me Lord. please pull me through. much better if you make a miracle and a healing. and everything will happen contrary to what im expecting.

stress. i think i am being given more responsibility at work and i am being stretched out of my now super comfortable zone. ive already put in pillows and designed my own space over the months and now, i am being pushed out of it. more people involved and really different personalities. more out of my lovely lovely control!

would you make beauty out of these ashes? this cowering frightened little heart? all i have in it right now are shame and barbs of pain, covered for so long, slowly manifesting. – i cant see you.. i am coming unglued. i cant even concentrate on my work right now.

Jesus, would you meet me here?

WOMAN.

credits: Happy Lumasag

Within every woman lies an ingrained desire to be treated like a princess, to be deemed like a queen. At times, that desire may be well-hidden by a facade of fortitude, courage, and confidence. At times, that desire may be pushed so deep when she is forced to constantly defend herself from the pain of being used and treated like a slave. Nevertheless, though the woman was created by her Maker as the “helpmeet” of man, still He made her with Royalty, in His image and likeness. Designed to serve and yet made with a heart that is originally tender, she is always seeking for ways to express pure love. And although she was conceived to be the equal help of man, she is nonetheless, a princess, worthy of respect, love and appreciation.

Pain and hurt create a feminist out of a woman. Man’s abuse has driven her to seek equal power, not so much to live as carefree as men, but moreso, to have the power to reciprocate the hurt in such equal intensity as she has received. Neglect and rejection drove the woman to fight for her rights to spend her time as she pleases (get a man’s career position and go party til the wee hours of morning) even if it means, neglecting her own husband — just so he can feel what she feels. And yet while doing so, she hurts even more…

After all, within her hardened heart still lies a burning desire TO LOVE. She may deny it with all the rage she can muster. She may fight it with all the strength she can find. In the end, what hurts more is the pain of knowing that in spite of all the resentment and bitterness, she still does love him, even when he has hurt her badly. She has forgotten she is a princess. She has forgotten she is special. She has forgotten that she is, above all, LOVED. Created out of love, created to love, created to be loved. SHE IS WOMAN.

For some women, stubbornness has become her friend, who she thinks can defend her all the days of her life. Ahhh but woman, you were not born to be on the defensive mode your lifetime. For she who lives in defense, forgets to love. And to love, is what woman was made for.

So what is the path to Eve’s freedom?

It is the path to the Cross. For upon that ultimate sacrifice, the King of Kings opened the way for healing to take place upon a woman’s bound and hardened heart. The difficulty of forgiveness that is almost impossible has been made possible by that paramount display of LOVE. After all, He died so the princess can once again live. He died, so the princess can once again REMEMBER…and not just through a vague memory of childhood’s innocence…but once again, REMEMBER AFRESH in the heart, what it means to be a woman.

Let Perfect Love break your hardened heart, o woman. Let Perfect Love aid you in forgiving and releasing. And this Perfect Love does have a name. It is spelled as J-E-S-U-S.

May today be the day of liberty for every woman reading this.

The most precious things in life are very fragile. Handle with much care, Men.

*This post is dedicated to all women out there, married or single, who may be living in forced pretense, trying to hide the filthy hurts and rejection inside by an ever-ready smile or a mask of I-can-do-anything. I have been there. Pretending doesn’t get the pain out, nor will time heal the wounds — not when you’ve been pretending the whole time. So, chill out, open your hardened heart, and let Jesus love on you.

SELAH.

something like that. or more.

i just witnessed a wedding of two of my friends yesterday. it was nice. i cant forget how the bride looked when she was walking down the aisle. she was half smiling, half crying. and the groom – hes marrying his dream girl! and the background music they picked was fantastic. it was poignant.

so thats how it would be like? cant help but long for something like this. where art thou, mister?

just a thought

your star was not and could not possibly be reached in any lifetime. your music has reached and touched generations but you had such a sad sad life. did someone share Jesus to you? i hope at least one did.

places to see..

places..

1.Moscow (again)

2.Brazil

3.Kenya

4.Senegal

5.Peru

6.Switzerland

7. Sweden

8. Thailand

9.Nepal

10.India

11.New York

12.Washington DC

13.Nicaragua

14.Cyprus

15.London (again)

16.France

17.Japan

18.China

19. Johannesburg

20.Israel

21.Georgia

22.Vietnam

23.Korea

24.Albania

25.Sydney

someday….

memories of a place

theres this place that i used to love so much. i have always dreamed of staying there, living there. and when i do get the chance to go, oh i used to be sooo excited everytime.

but now, it seems like pulling teeth. i have had an unpleasant experience there. and i just couldnt shake off the feelings of fear and unease. even though the experience has been closed off and everythings fine, i just cant help but feel uneasy.  like some sort of dread. something that i have to get over and done with.

so unlike before, where i would certainly leave everything behind just to stay there.

this place is attached to my system. it is a part of me i cannot deny. wherever i will go and whoever i will be, i carry this place with me. its people, its culture, its destiny. i may even actually live there eventually, who knows.

i hope i overcome this. because its messing me up now. its scaring the hell out of me!

5 things i learned from Dad

I know it’s a bit late. 1 week late to blog about fathers’ day. I was too busy last week to even dream about surfing the net! Oh well.. the event is already over and my boss treated us all with a one week vacation leave for all the blood, sweat and tears we poured out on the event. It was an amazing week. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

Anyway, I was doing my usual blog reading today and a fathers’ day entry of one of my favorite bloggers caught my eye. She enumerated 5 things she learnt from her father. I know its too late but I want to do that.

The 5 things I learned (and still learning) from Dad.

1. Never give up on something or someone when the going gets tough, even when it gets really ugly or frustrating. Sometimes, it will really be ugly during a situation but there will always be wisdom at the end of it.

1. I don’t know and I don’t have to know everything. There will always be something beyond me and I don’t have to know that. Just let go and let God be God. He will always do what he will do.

1. Keep it real. There is nothing sadder than masking what one truly thinks or feels because of fear. Remember that there is no fear in love and that God actually knows what we think or feel anyways.

1. People will always have opinions. In a room of 20 people, there will be 45 opinions. So I got to know where I stand and not let anyone bring me down.

1. It is okay to make mistakes. I am not a performer and I am not valued for what I am able to do or able to say but I am valued for who I am. It releases a lot of pressure to perform.

These are the 5 things I can think of at the top of my head. I guess these are whats real in my life right now.

God, thank you for being a father to me. You indeed are good.

contentment

i am at a good place right now. well, this is a thought for tonight. who knows what will happen tomorrow. but i know for sure, despite the roller coaster that is called life, what will happen will still be exciting – in all its good times and bad.

i am soooo busy at work right now. doing 10 things at a time. working 13 hours straight for an event next week. but i am happy. i love my bosses, the people i work with and the job im doing. i am in a place where i am appreciated for good things i do and am corrected when i make mistakes (oh a lot). in this job, i have learned to cope with and give way to mistakes. theres no pressure to be perfect. work will always be beyond my control and im starting to live with that. again, there is no pressure to be perfect or in control!

i have my camera and im toying with the idea of violin lessons next month. i have accepted that i am going to stay in manila for how long, i dont know. i am at peace with people, although relationships are a bit new to me. believe it or not. i still cant stand it when people dont like me or are offended with me. i have little tolerance for fights and offenses. but Jesus is good. and i’ve learned  little about commitments already. hehe. not to quit on them.

i was skyping with this friend earlier and she dreamt about her and i getting backstage passes to a parokya ni edgar concert. hahaha. i was about to buy tickets when this stern looking woman took us backstage. we were wondering if theres a “meaning” to the dream. i thought, if its from God, then that is cool! it would be great to be able to see all the backstage work that makes a show work. and it would be cool to meet the band upclose and personal you know. haha.

hmm.. what is next? i dont know. but i know that it will be good. i really believe that the best is yet to come.

best birthday gift.

i received the best birthday gift this year. a promise of good, scratch that, GREAT things to come this year! aside from the abounding financial breakthrough we (my family included) are receiving, i received reconciliation with two persons who i was so estranged with over the past few months!!!

the Lord is truly merciful and is, indeed, always in control. the past few months have been really trying and felt hopeless. felt like heaven was brass. BUT there is ALWAYS a silver lining. there is ALWAYS a rainbow after a storm (so cheesy yes i know. haha).  IT IS ALWAYS GOOD TO TRUST IN THE LORD. i have learned a lot about relationships (i hope). that one does not leave a relationship when the going gets really tough. when the anger is just too much. commitment is not a feeling. it is a never-ending covenant. well, i hope to learn more about relationships. coz i do suck at it. haha..

aaah. thank you Lord that you do not give up on me when i wanted to give up on you! i am so grateful and thankful for the year that has passed. and am looking forward to the great things this year!!! woo hoo!

truth

truth is painful but when the rose-colored glasses just couldn’t hide the garbage anymore, truth will prevail and will actually love you in the end.

love without truth just wont do.

colorless

i have failed. i really do.
i dont even know what this is all about. i think.

i tried to be angry at you and i tried to be angry at everyone.
and it built a shell around me.
relating with anyone is just too much of an exhausting effort.
and i got back to getting angry at me. and darkness just descended.

i cant see. i cant breathe. im not living.

all i see is an empty shell. a shell of who i am, who i used to be.
or was the person i used to be just a lie?
the sounds that come out are just echoes.
does not resound from within.

i am stuck. i have failed. i am tired. and i need your help.

daddy’s last dance

Credits: my friend, Riza O.

=0=0=0=0=0=0=

You were watching me from around the corner
as I cluelessly peeked into the box wrapped in blue and silver
You sent me a gift with someone else’s name on it
Is this a favor your are getting paid for?

You drive me crazy
You love me more than anyone
but now are you are giving me away?
A smile flashes from my eyes
and you are actually pleased
that I was looking into someone else’s

You walk behind me
hiding in the sidelines
pretending to be a stranger
just to watch me look around for someone
you could have embraced me
as i twirled in pure excitement
but you stepped aside

And out of the corner of my eye
I see you beaming
from the shady corner
uncovering the face of your very protege

Whose hand is this, holding mine?
you seem to have taught him your ways of holding
Your hand that had once held me tight
now gracefully lets go
The gap we have called waiting
You’ve sucked away
into your blissful satisfaction
Whose hand is this I’m holding?
It reminds me of yours
Yours that once held me so tight
but now found enough confidence
to let go

in 6 days…

in 6 days, i will be turning 27. i remember before i turned 26, i wrote a somewhat melodramatic reflection on the years and the experiences ive been through. well, i think i should do one now.

hmm.. i noticed that every year, every birthday is totally different.let me look back as far as i can remember…

who wouldve thought that i would be back here in manila when last year, i was walking through moscow spring. i remember i spent a whole weekend on my birthday.with chris, zhenia, swan lake, sasha, tanya, giorgio and vladimir (my birthday gift).

the year before that,2007, i think i hibernated because i was getting ready to go to moscow.

in 2006, i was with hyen, jessi, pabs, zaldy and lhen in red box singing our hearts out in karaoke wonderland. ooh i remember nippon express. i spent the first 5 hours of my birthday printing those CTA reports! it was totally fun! the golden years of my audit life…

in 2005, i think i spent it with my family and friends. i was working in IBM that time. for a one month stint. haha.

in 2004, i was in manila. living with punky and alyssa. one of those dismal birthdays because i worked in Etelecare that time. in trying to find myself, i jumped from accounting to sales. and didnt like it. boo.

in 2003, yikes. i was reviewing for the CPA board exams. i most probably spent the day with my family. and the years before that, i know there wasnt any big celebration because my birthday is in the enrollment week. :-/ everyone’s money was spent on tuition fees!

hmmm. not much spectacular times actually. except for those times spent with memorable people, most were uneventful.. so whats going to be new this year? well, first i have a totally different job. something i really like doing. im getting a new camera, a 500D. im too excited. and im seriously going to start on violin lessons when i figure out my schedule. and uhm, im getting in the gym thats for sure. haha!

and yeah, i think im beginning to have an inkling on how to love now. what through thick and thin and for better or worse mean. i think? im beginning to have an idea what commitment is, you know, when the feelings are gone, when the pain sometimes blind the decisions ive made.

im beginning to understand that I REALLY DONT KNOW ANYTHING. that i dont need to know whats happening. im beginning to know that GOD WILL DO WHAT GOD WILL DO. and i can only begin to know him on his own terms. He truly is bigger than me. bigger than my intellect would ever be. although there are frustrating and aggravating moments with him, i found out that i could and still do trust him. this is relationship.

“Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever”

this im sure. thank you Lord for the 26 years.

antsy…

i am totally getting fidgety. waiting for the contact to send me an email confirmation. when oh when??? if only he gave me a definite date when he will transfer the funds then i wouldnt be this antsy. hahaha. i really hope nothing will go wrong.

i think ive refreshed my mailbox 150 times today, until now hoping for a new message. mygosh everything is ready. LORD, please let it be soon… let it ber very very soon. maybe a birthday gift?? hehe..

hihi..

and here i am, a brat. good thing i have a father who loves me and is more committed to me than i am to him. after the tantrums i did last night, this is what he rewards me with. one things for sure: its not about deserving!

tuesday thoughts

im kinda excited. martin just got back to me last night and told me they will look into the matter today. oh i really want to receive it… i already have a lot planned when i do get it. this is what i plan to do…

(32,430) – TO
(80,000) – seed money
(10,000) – LO
(30,000) – deposit payment
(6,000) – violin
(52,950) – canon eos 500D

SIGH. the 500D is already out! I want one.. im asking this for my birthday…. i really want it but i really really really cant afford it right now. i dont even have much expendable income until august! and if i do save up for it, it will take me until mid next year, with my bills and all. will you give me this on my birthday? will you even give this to me? i really dont know what youre thinking but i hope you would… i miss miss MISS my camera so much.. i ache for it!

Here i am, trying to convince myself that i will not get this because i dont want to be so eager and in the end, be disappointed. i dont want to be angry with you because i did this, not you. oh mercy on me.

what is so addictive about hope that makes us, again and again, take the plunge in believing even if in the end, it would result in good or bad? are we sadists? or is our definition of good really different? its because we were made to hope. its part of our dna.

sometimes, it just hurts to trust you because it hurts to be hurt and disappointed. so this is love. to experience great joy and great pain without giving up when the going gets tough.

i  choose to believe that you are good and that you know what is good for me. with or without this.

=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o=o==o=

we were having a meeting and my mind was elsewhere. my mind was on the thoughts i wrote above. i am not really feeling the brunt of the june event on me coz kuya G took most of it. i think i only contribute about 2% of everything.. i think i need to help more. they’re almost panicking!

la dee da..

when i woke up this morning, i felt my heart skip. and as i work now, i cant help but smile. i dont know why. somethings new today. i am in love and im glad. thank you Lord for the joy.

i received an email from zhenia this morning and im really happy that she replied. a good old friend. oh how i miss her! she mentioned her car which she bought before i left. it was funny because the only two times she used it, she got bumped and scratched! ooh, moscow drivers are the worst. they all have schumacher tendencies. haha!

another highlight this morning was when i went to finance and the grumpy old guy asked me if i knew i was beautiful. i giggled but didnt answer coz i thought he was just pulling my leg. he actually repeated his question. he says in a loud voice “do you know that you are beautiful? do you really know?” and i laughingly said, “yes thank you”. and he goes “i bet youd be more beautiful when you slim down. you can join the ms. philippines!!” hahahahaha!! i feel flattered because this guy is totally grumpy and he actually gave me a compliment! surely made my already happy morning a complete one. hahaha! and my atkins diet is doing okay as well, no killer cravings and im learning to be patient with the results, no more of the quick fix yoyo dieting. im going for discipline this time.

i read song of songs today. i think about my lover. the one whos not giving up on me, no matter what. i think about him and my heart fills with love and gratitude. i think im starting to know, even just a miniscule bit, what a relationship is.

thoughts..

sometimes, i dont understand you at all. so many conflicting stuff. im stuck. or maybe im just hearing everyone else thats why i get confused. sad thing, i have some friends who chose to give up on you. ive done that before and i know it didnt really bring me anything good. i know. and i so know this feeling of wanting to rebel and wanting to try everything because i feel held back or because nobody cares. ive been here before. ive done this before. everything in me is saying go but some spark of hope or conscience is saying no, hang in there. dont give up.

now, i choose not to give in not because im scared of you or the consequences (well, partly.. maybe 15%. hehe) but because it is a CHOICE. i choose to believe that something beautiful will come out of these ashes. that something beautiful will come out of this sucky stuff, these dark and masalimuot times. even as i am typing this down right now, my mind is not believing with me. but i know in some part of my heart that there is more to this. i will come out of this alive.

i know that what we have been through together in moscow is real. it is more real to me than whats happening now. i cannot discount that. and on that virtue, i choose to believe that you are good and that you are in control. i choose to believe that you are greater than what im going through. i choose to believe that you do care for me. i choose to believe that you have not forgotten me. i choose to believe you, even when i cant understand you.

i love you. i choose to love you.

love is worth fighting for

random thoughts

I miss him. I don’t really like him that much right now. Its just that I miss the thought of missing and liking. Reliving those small memories. Snatches of moments. And dwelling on what ifs. Or im just really bored. Because I know deep inside me that hes not really the one.

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I just watched revolutionary road and I cried. Lord, I don’t want the dreams to die. I don’t want to cover them up with soot and dust, never to be revived again. I don’t want the ordinariness of everyday life to bury what’s inside. I don’t want to settle for just the ordinary, I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. NO! This phase might be hard, but I will not give up.

SLOWLY BUT SURELY.

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Another sunny sunny saturday and im here stuck in the house, with nowhere to go and no one to go with. I want to go out somewhere peaceful and sunny. i have had enough of this concrete jungle. and i will scream if i will have to go to another mall today!

friday and work – some thoughts

hmmm its friday 4pm right now. everyone’s watching some movie at another room and i am stalling time before i start on some work. i have nothing in mind right now actually. i want to go home coz im getting my hair curled, i decided. im just happy its the weekend!

ahh.. i woke up bored this morning. i was telling God how bored i am right now. don’t get me wrong, i like my job and my bosses and i believe in the organization’s cause and i know this is where im supposed to be right now, no doubt about that. thats why i dont know why im so bored. i need some passion. lately, i feel like ive run out of “juice” for anything or anyone. no interests, no desires at all. in short, listless. ive somehow managed to lose my joie de vivre like a popped balloon. thats why im becoming the mood swinging drama queen these days. i need my passion back. i need my joy back!! coz i dont want to be a spectator anymore, i wanna be involved moment by moment! Lord, i ask for that joy and the passion! i need them!

why we travel (by pico iyer)

We travel, then, in search of both self and anonymity — and, of course, in finding the one we apprehend the other. Abroad, we are wonderfully free of caste and job and standing; we are, as Hazlitt puts it, just the “gentlemen in the parlour,” and people cannot put a name or tag to us. And precisely because we are clarified in this way, and freed of inessential labels, we have the opportunity to come into contact with more essential parts of ourselves (which may begin to explain why we may feel most alive when far from home).

Abroad is the place where we stay up late, follow impulse and find ourselves as wide open as when we are in love. We live without a past or future, for a moment at least, and are ourselves up for grabs and open to interpretation. We even may become mysterious — to others, at first, and sometimes to ourselves — and, as no less a dignitary than Oliver Cromwell once noted, “A man never goes so far as when he doesn’t know where he is going.”

goodbye…

goodbye my dream
this game of hide and seek must end
for i have not found you
and i think i have lost me
and yet still you haunt me
visiting me with visions
leaving me longing
i cannot let you go
for without you i sleep too deep
and only in my dreams
am i wide awake

- Nolan Clark

just like the old times..

some neighbor has wifi somewhere and i get to use it for free! and it is quite fast, i just have to find out where it is. hehe. my sister discovered it yesterday.

just like in moscow. had free wifi the whole time. it was my only constant companion there. haha. i didnt have tv and didnt have a super super social life but i never felt lonely or bored partly because of the free wifi.

i wonder why is it now that im here, in the midst of family, friends and familiar surroundings, am i feeling lonely?

huh?

i cant believe someone unfriended me! (well, on FB. hehe.). no big deal coz we’re not really close. although for a time, we shared thoughts with each other. tried adding that person back and got rejected again. uhm, i hope i didn’t hurt you so much to warrant such action? oh well.

scratch head.

him.

oh where are you, dear? been waiting for you so long now. i choose to wait for you. and say no to these lesser lovers.

tell me something that i dont know.

i really appreciate your advice my friend im sure it came from your good-intentioned heart.

but there are just times that i just want you to listen and please… dont give me stuff.

its not that i dont know those things, it just doesnt work right now!

i dont want to strive, i want to be real.

so, could you just wait and stick with me until it becomes a revelation to me? please?

as Mr. Marley said

Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, (“This is my message to you-ou-ou:”)

Singin’: “Don’t worry ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right.”
Singin’: “Don’t worry (don’t worry) ’bout a thing,
‘Cause every little thing gonna be all right!”

HOPE

i still got it. despite all the issues ive been going through this season, i still got it. i still got HOPE. because i never lost it. i was in the daily devotions earlier and some colleagues were talking about how bleak the situation of humanity these days is and how it will worsen in the generations to come and the only time everything will be okay is when we go to heaven. and that everything we do, even the ministry of world vision, will not amount to anything much because humanity is hopeless.

hala ka. and we were all christians. i spoke up because there is hope in Jesus. i still believe that a nation can be born in a day and that future generations can and will live in redemption, prosperity, righteousness and there will be JUSTICE. we should not lose hope. as long as there is Jesus, there is always hope.

does it really matter?

does it really matter when the people you want to accept you just don’t plainly think you’re part of their lives.

does it really matter when everyone is doing everything they are doing and going and shining while you are here, staying and staying put.

does it really matter when the very dream that you have always wanted to happen would not seem to happen (never or not any sooner) and it seems to be happening to the very people who don’t really care.

does it really matter that you are supposed to be in the very center of where you are supposed to be and inside, you are not feeling such security.

does it really matter Lord? does it really matter?

death of a dream

why are all these things happening Lord, why? does it really matter?

i want..

1. a violin

2. a canon eos 500 D (or a 450D will do) with an EF18-200

3. a mazda 3 (pearl white)

4. a new bed

5. a new closet

6. gym membership (hehe. high time for me to shape up. hihi)

7. a damier speedy 30

8. a globe (not the plastic one, preferably the one in hobbes and landes) or a map (or that cool puzzle map i could eventually frame)

9. a big bean bag

10. more paintings and art for my walls!

11. that casio baby G

(to update when inspired)

all in a day’s work.

this week has been a VERY action-packed week. last wednesday, everything that could go wrong went wrong. and the seemingly easiest thing to do (like booking airtickets) has been the most frustrating! its so funny! its good to have a boss who is very patient. many people misunderstand him because he values good work (ergo a perfectionist) but hes just that, he believes in excellence. and his passion for what he does is way up there – it must be frustrating to work with mediocrity. as he told me once, “i want to help children, it drives me nuts!” i hope to have that passion one day.

reminiscin..

funny how we’d never know where we will end up. ive been reading my previous entries when i was in moscow and it seems like those days were a long, looong time ago. i couldnt even remember how it was. but lately, ive been having some memories of moments. moments i remember of that place. of people. of the experiences. im not regretting where i am now. but i surely do miss moscow right now.

after a long time..

hello blog. its been a long time since i last wrote here. its been 4 months already. so much has happened. some good, some bad. mostly good though. so what has happened?

i have a job now. and its totally different from all my previous jobs. im an executive assistant in an NGO. way out there. none of my audit/accounting breeding works here. so its a total walk over water.

my mom is going thru a different season now. new people in her life. specifically, a new man in her life. and this one seems very serious. i really dont know what this will amount to but i really hope and pray that everything will turn out right.

i am back in manila. for how long, i dont know. for good, i dont know. it is a struggle for me, honestly. going back when i already am out in the world. going back to earning small when i was already earning big. being out there alone and giving it all up to live with my family, under authority and under guidance. its like going back to high school again.

actually, i refuse to believe that nothing good will come out of this season. i may be struggling now and i may not understand what im going thru. i may be plagued with fears of all sorts. i may have the urge to quit and just give it all up. but I choose to fight. I choose to stand on the rock of my salvation. because its not about me. its all about that cross.

happeee new year!

goodbye 2008. I look back at you with so much joy and gratefulness. so much has happened. aszin so much! new places, new people, new learnings. total rehabilation of my spiritual, physical and emotional life.

and hello 2009!!! i welcome you with open arms! soooo excited with what God is doing! im coming in leaping and skipping! woo hoo!

updates

oh my, ive been here in the PI for more than 3 months now. and ive been waiting. i can totally say that i enjoyed and am enjoying my stay here. i spent a lot of quality time with my family and friends. i have made a lot of new relationships which i really really appreciate. ive gone to a lot of places and had my wanderlust satisfied. most of all, i have learned a lot in this seemingly “unproductive” time. It is actually the time that the Holy Spirit is doing so much! I much appreciate this time of my life rather than making conquests and doing so much.

it really is good to be home.

now i sense that a new season has come. what shall it be? onto what shall i pour my heart out? im ready!

topos

topos – the purpose attached to the place.

i have yet to know where my topos is but i am determined to know, not because i want to go out and do exploits for the Lord but because i want to know my Jesus more – and being where i should be at the right time opens up the heavens, sharpens the senses and prepares me to hear and receive more from my Father.

one thing i have learned: God is not interested in the crowns and the callings, He is more interested in our hearts. God is not interested in working servants, He is more interested in partnerships. it is not even about what God wants me to do or where i should be, its about being right with Him. it all begins with that.

im pitching my tent now. and im meeting with my God.

going in for the kill.

a new season has begun today.

i saw eagles swooping into earth, going in for the kill. they have already been strengthened, strengthened by soaring through the storms of the previous season. opportunities shall come and in a heartbeat, they will know that these are from the Lord. for their ears have been trained to listen and their hearts have been tuned through obedience. their cries are quite loud and their eyes are sharp. they are alert and they are ready to conquer.

Lord, i pray that you would open the doors that no man, no angel and no demon can close. let the floodgates be opened.

buts

i cant see anything right now BUT i know that something is happening.

i cant hear anything right now BUT that doesnt mean that God is not speaking.

my emotions and my thoughts have all gone crazy BUT i know that what matters is what the Word says.

He is faithful and He is true. God knows what He is doing. He is perfect and He is justified in what He is doing.

all my bags are packed..

…I’m ready to go
I’m standin’ here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye…

…So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you’ll wait for me
Hold me like you’ll never let me go
cause I’m leavin on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’ll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go..

One day more! one day more! stepping out in faith, pressing towards the goal. leaving behind every sin and weight that tries to hinder me. it is officially the end of an era in my life and the dawn of a new one. Lord, how far will you let me go? How abandoned will you let me be?